Wake me up when this nightmare ends. That’s how I felt this week. I’ve always loved September, with its crisp fall air, new beginnings, and beautiful colors. But this year… well, I just want the entire year over. Week forty was… rough, to say the least. Somehow rougher than a few weeks ago. I thought I’d recovered. I thought I’d hit my slump and was on the upswing. I thought wrong.
I’ve never fully connected with the comparison of life to a roller coaster — the down part of a roller coaster is the best part! The nerve-racking part is slowly and steadily climbing to the peak, feeling the effort with which the car is moved one notch at a time, afraid of falling backwards, wondering if you’ll get stuck, and unsure of what lies ahead. But then you round that top and suddenly you’re flying forward… free, weightless, jubilant.
So while I understand the expression to mean simply that life is full of ups and downs, the analogy really only works backwards for me. And, in fact, this year it hardly seems to work at all. Because everything is a notch by notch struggle to move forward — to climb out of the hole that is this year. To climb out of hell.
I was doing okay… Sunday was peaceful on the lake. Monday was a full and stressful Monday, but I’d been prepared for it and met it head on. And the work out had me hyper focused on my body and its movements in an almost meditative way that left me exhausted in the right way — calm, ready to rest.
But Tuesday was another long day and I was incensed when a student didn’t turn their camera or their mic on in a 1:1 meet… and didn’t utilize the chat either. Were they even there??? And then Tuesday night. The fucking “presidential” debate. I’m still hurting after the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsberg and then to see that. That thing. That petulant orange child screaming for attention and dragging the level of discourse over important issues facing this country right down to tantrum territory… It was disgusting. And disheartening. And defeating.
It wasn’t so much watching him act the way he did that sent me over the edge (though it did send my heart rate into the sky), it was the loss of faith in humanity that followed that pulled me into a listlessness. I just felt so fed up with my fellow citizens. And so powerless. So. Utterly. Powerless. Because usually when shit hits the fan on the macro level, I’m able to hunker down on the micro level — maybe I can’t create policy for millions, but I feel like I can help my students, the next generation; I feel like I can do something. But I just feel so ineffective as a teacher that turning in that direction was no solace. I wanted to throw in the towel, snuggle under a blanket and never crawl out. Because I’m just not sure how to live in this world any more.
Thankfully there are the Dr. Erions of this world, who send me Green Day videos and remind me that while my students are not old enough to vote yet, they might be the ones who have to fix all this shit fifteen years down the road. I was reminded that it’s my duty to arm these students with the tools to have elevated discussions, to critically think, to empathize… so that they can face the challenges the world is creating for them when the time comes. I was reminded that it’s more important now than ever to resist — to defy, to stand up and say no. No one made me feel better, but they made me feel angry. And anger is motivating.
Sunday
Mommazzito and I took Popsicle out for his first ever kayaking adventure on Snowbird Lake. Foliage, foliage, foliage! Sometimes Mother Nature is stunning. And sometimes she tricks you into jumping off a kayak into water that’s much colder than you anticipated!
Monday
Hey look. I’m all sweaty because I just worked out.
That structure behind me? That’s the apparatus Nick built for pull-ups, toes-to-bar and other bar-requiring gymnastic movements. I know I’ve mentioned before how grateful I am to Nick and Ashley for use of their garage space when they’re not home, but it’s worth mentioning again.
The WODs they write on the whiteboard are always just the right amount of difficult, there’s a bluetooth speaker, all the necessary equipment, and the lovely added bonus of being at someone else’s house — and thus wholly unconcerned with what any of the neighbors might think when I poorly execute a movement.
It’s a real life saver. I have to move. Like on a chemical level. Otherwise this girl is not a happy camper.
Tuesday
One perk of remote teaching is candlelit lunches for one? Although I’m not sure the candle is actually in focus in this picture. One thing you can clearly see is the Snapple bottle… Honestly, most of the time I drink water. I have my morning cup (or two) of coffee, and sometimes in the evenings I’ll make myself some tea, but the in between time is usually water. But with Brian gone, there’s no one sucking down the seltzer and bagging the empties up for the can man who comes down our street on garbage night. I feel obligated to put something out for him to take, so I bought myself a six pack of Snapple.
Wednesday
I visited the school and my classroom. I really miss my classroom. And, yah know, actually working with kids. I walked back into my space and instantly remembered why I loved it so much.
Thursday
I can’t go an entire week without a picture of Sammy. Look at his cute little butt while he keeps watch on the neighborhood for me.
Friday
What the hell happened to my oat milk ice cream bar?? Lucy says it looks like a shiv. He’s not wrong. I guess when items were removed from the old fridge and transferred to the new one (that got delivered while I was on with kids), some things spent a little too long outside the freezer. But that’s okay… I have a new fridge and the ice cream bar was just as tasty as it would have been if it were regular shape.
Saturday
My brother brought his girlfriend to town to meet us! I liked her; we vibed (she likes Harry Potter and Queer Eye). This is her. Oh, and that’s my brother’s dog, Dexter standing on the dock with Bailey Boo. I think Katrina would approve of this picture.