2021 April - Week 15 - Messays Photo Journal April

It’s starting to not feel like a pandemic anymore. It obviously isn’t over, but it feels like the sun is rising on a new day…

We’re all still masked-up at school, big events are still postponed, and I remain cautious. But everyone and everything feels more optimistic right now.

Until, you know, you look at the news and read about another black person getting shot by the cops, another mass shooting, a book deal given to one of Breonna Taylor’s murderers… It’s a strange time to be living in. You think you’re having a good week until you pan out and remember that everything’s fucked up. And then you feel guilty for forgetting for a moment that just because tRump isn’t in office anymore doesn’t mean the country has magically righted itself. And you feel guilty for feeling good about your own week— one that wasn’t personally affected by the tragedies occurring everywhere.

The rest of what I’ll focus on from this week doesn’t have to do with those things— with the outright racism, the gun violence, the injustice… Because I started this picture-a-day project to focus on what brings me joy and to log my personal growth. But it’s there. It saturates every day with a sense of foreboding and unease. For every good moment, there’s a moment spent feeling angry, helpless, lost. It’s like I’m painting a pretty picture, but when you step back you see that it’s painted on a dirty, torn canvas.

Sunday

I wanted to start this week out right. I went back to the school full time after spring break… It felt like the beginning of the school year all over again, or like I was the new kid starting midyear. I wanted to go in feeling good about myself— feeling like I was prepared, professional, happy, and healthy. I jumped on my writer’s meet first thing Sunday morning, got some cleaning done and then went to work out in Nick and Ashley’s garage. It isn’t fancy, but it does the trick. I spent the late afternoon making sure all my lesson plan materials were in order. Then I made a nice dinner for myself, took the time to lay out my clothes for Monday, and packed my lunch. I felt ready.

Monday

Then Monday came and it was like I’d never left. Except there’s this appreciation that wasn’t there before. Or it was, but it wasn’t as pronounced. The students and teachers alike are grateful to be able to be together. Many of the kids feel like school is a bit of a privilege now. I’m not sure how long the honeymoon period will last on their side, but I walked into the building with all the perspective I gained during my time at home and don’t intend to lose sight of that.

A few months ago, I talked about how I came to the realization that teaching didn’t choose me, I chose it. And that empowering understanding stays with me still. I woke up Monday choosing to be a teacher, choosing to walk into that building, choosing to put my best foot forward. When it’s your choice, it means more. I enjoyed my time with the students more and was more enthusiastic about planning with my co-teacher. And I didn’t feel pressured to arrive super early or stay super late. I got there about fifteen minutes early because I wanted to so that I could re-acclimate myself. I stayed about a half hour after contract because I wanted to so that I could make sure I was ahead of the game— that my copies for the week were made and my student folders organized.

And when I got home and found April’s NEA Today magazine waiting for me, did I get really excited to read it? Yes, I did. Is that because I wanted to read how the pandemic will change the nature of school? Nope. I mean, I’m certainly not uninterested in that topic, but all I saw at first was “What’s next?” and my mind immediately went to The West Wing. Then I went: Oh. Wait.

Tuesday

Teaching is a huge part of my life because I choose to have it be, but it is not all of my life. So after a full Bow Tie Tuesday, I felt no guilt about leaving at 3:00.