Is 2021 over yet?
Just kidding. Kind of.
I hate wishing for the passing of time, but also, like, this year sucks ass.
Sunday
At least it throws fun-shaped carrots at me.
Monday
And surprises me with acceptances on subs I’d completely forgotten about. Or, rather, sub. Singular.
Still, this made me smile.
And then panic because the piece they want to publish is not a piece I want my parents reading. Alas, I shall not get to share this news on social media. I’ll just share it here on this blog no one reads.
Tuesday
I tried to take the time to notice the flowers courageously blooming in our fickle spring weather, since they’re a reminder that time is passing and that passing time can make things beautiful, but fleeting moments are all I spared for that this week. I was too exhausted at the beginning, middle and end of each day to even give myself the headspace to observe and to still. Which makes little sense. How can I be too exhausted to slow down?
Wednesday
Time has seemed to move so quickly since I’ve returned to school… It’s Monday and then it’s Friday and I’m not entirely sure how we got there. But this week was different. This week was a trudge through mud. Everything felt slow and tiring and just… hard.
The convo with my neurologist certainly didn’t help. There’s always been this hope festering in the back of my mind— this doubt about my diagnosis. I can’t possibly have what they say I have. There must be some other explanation. Look at me. I’m young-ish. I’m fit. I’m active.
Lesions all down my spine, you say? You must not be reading the scans correctly. I need five-hour IV infusions every six months for the rest of my life? That seems excessive. I’ll likely end up in a wheelchair in the future? You must be mistaken.
This diagnosis is not new. It’s a few years old now, but I think it’s only just sinking in fully. Something about the way the neurologist spoke to me this time— the inevitability his words expressed. It hit me in a way it hasn’t in all my past appointments, conversations, and research.
Thursday
So I distracted myself by making a new bulletin board at school.
“Reading makes you sharp.”
Ban puns are fun.
Friday
I also threw my energy into planning a summer road trip with my dad. We figure a road trip is safer than flying, and we’re planning outdoor excursions— hiking and picnicking and camping. Friday after school, after many, many discussions about what we want to do, we finally booked some campgrounds and the ferry from Ancortes to San Juan Island.
That’s right, folks. We’re going all the way across the country to kayak with some orcas. You know why?
I don’t know when the day is coming that I won’t be able to.
Saturday
I also spent a good amount of time looking at stupid shit online that made me smile. Because sometimes that’s all you have the energy to do.